Stacking the Deck

Several weeks ago, my mother and her fiancé went to the Preakness Stakes in Baltimore. I was going to go with them, but then I saw where their seats were located and after a rare outburst of laughter, I declined.  After all, for me to be seen in that area of the grandstand does nothing but diminish the public image I have painstakingly built. It could be perceived as weakness, or worse, as an unnecessary concession to those around me.  After declining the offer, my mother made the absurd decision to have my aunt watch me for the night. As if I require a babysitter.  I don't know what my mother was thinking; she surely must have lost her mind.

Shortly after arriving at my aunts I decided there was absolutely no way I would stay the evening, to cause myself such profound suffering was fruitless.  There are two kinds of pain.  The sort of pain that makes you strong, or useless pain.  The sort of pain that's only suffering.  I have no patience for useless things.  So I devised a plan to extract myself from the situation.  I needed to make my Aunt think it was her idea to call my mother.  If it were her own conception, she was far more likely to accomplish her goal.  It wasn't difficult, for proximity to power deludes some into thinking they wield it.

Over the next few hours I used every trick in the book. I paced, I moaned and lamented, I crowded her space, sighing in frustration and constant dissatisfaction.  I allowed my eyes to well up with moisture, I even went so far as to actually weep.  I know what' you're thinking, what sort of man who holds himself out as possessing incredible power and prowess would stoop to these levels? What sort of man would behave this way all the while being openly critical of the weakness he seems around him? Do you think I'm a hypocrite? Well, you should. I wouldn't disagree with you.  The road to power is paved with hypocrisy. And casualties. Never regret.

And I have no regrets. At 10 pm my Aunt called my mother, who was still in Baltimore.  She said, in exasperation, "Diggy is extremely distraught.  He's whined all day, he's been pacing.  I think he's just really upset being separated from you. Could you come back tonight and pick him up?"  Hearing those words, I felt my mouth form into a content smile.  Let it be a lesson, if you don't like how the table is set, turn over the table.

My mother arrived 45 minutes later and we returned home.