The Key To A Happy Life

I am a nihilist which means by definition I essentially believe in absolutely nothing.  I reject all forms of morality, religion, societal norms and notably, my own mortality.  When I was younger I assumed that I wasn't born with these defining core beliefs but as I've matured and become a man I've realized that in fact, I was.  My mom and my grandma tried their best to ensure that I was well-mannered, respectful and obedient.  They chastised my poor behavior, they tried in vain to stop me from chewing, stealing and destroying things that did not belong to me.  They pleaded with me to stop jumping on people, to stop jumping on furniture.  They implored me to sleep on the floor, or in my "dog bed" like a "normal" dog.  They even committed what I assert was criminal mutilation by removing my manhood so that I would supposedly calm down and better conform to their idea of how I should behave.  Finally, they shelled out money to get me a private tutor as a last effort to instill in me a sense of responsibility and manners.

Now I have to say that I did give in to some degree.  To this day I will sit when asked, if it pleases me or if I'm bribed and if I jump up I'll allow the person to push me down.  And I'll give things back when I steal them, once I've been chased or caught.  But again, as I grew I realized this mold they tried to force me into is not who I am, the shoe simply does not fit.  With that realization I made a vow to live my life the way I want to.  Commonly accepted morals, norms and societal behaviors would not hold me back.  I recommend to you readers that you too adopt these same beliefs and take the vow I did.  No one can chain you but yourself!  Because I don't have time to write a self help book (I have far far too many projects on the back burner as it is) I will provide two major principles I live by accompanied by recent real life examples illustrating my nihilistic approach to life.

1.  When you go to a friends house, or any house for that matter, just do what you want.  After all, you're a guest and your host wants you to have a pleasant experience! I implement this belief regularly.  When I arrive at the Haunted House, Sierras House and any house for that matter I immediately go into every room with an open door to look for toys or items I believe to be toys.  I confiscate them and settle down on a rug somewhere to enjoy my prize.  At Sierra's house I pretty much rule the roost so no one even glances my way.  But just yesterday I went to Winston's house, somewhere I had never been and I employed the same principle.  I walked in and immediately ignored Winston.  I found his toys and settled down to enjoy them while he stood by and barked at me repeatedly in hopes that I would play with him (props to Winston for his persistence).  When I wasn't chewing toys I wandered the rooms, new homes are always so exciting.  I even stole some socks, shredded an empty toilet paper roll and jumped on the homeowner's lap while she attempted to do work.  I had a great time, which is the most important thing.

2. Never give up on what you want. When I want something I beg incessantly until its mine.  Recently my moms special friend and his roommates threw me a kiddie pool party in the front yard.  I had never had the opportunity to explore the front yard and let me just say, it was AMAZING.  At this party I also employed principle 1 by eating a cookie off of someone's lap, eating meat out of a trash bag, eating shrimp tails, chewing on a chair and licking the grill.  If you think I wasn't disciplined or yelled at, you're wrong.  But I didn't let it stop me from achieving what I wanted.