Leave of Absence

Hello readers, just wanted to let everyone know that I will be MIA.  Its finals time and mom is super stressed out, as a result I have terrible sympathy stress.  I will be back whenever she decides to take her international criminal law final, but no later than May 17th!

So stressed out I can barely function

Easter Post Addendum

I forgot a really great detail from easter, shout out to Sierra's mom Chelsea for reminding me.  So Chelsea and Nedda (the woman I fear will kidnap me, more on that at a later date) hid over 150 eggs for the adult guests to find.  Now naturally I want my mom to win and succeed at everything she does and while I have fabulous dexterity (see post from sometime in March) its not quite good enough to grasp something as slippery and rotund as a plastic egg.  Therefore while I participated in the Easter egg hunt there was no way I could directly assist mom by actually picking up eggs and putting them in her designated target shopping bag.  However I found another way which proved to be an extremely effective deterrent - I won't go into details but I will say this: Defensive urination on plastic eggs.  Of course every time I did this Mom had to announce to the other competitors to not grab the egg in question, as I had released my bladder on it.  And just like that, each other competitor had one less egg.

**The author does acknowledge that his strategy was not exactly perfect, because it also deprived his mom of the egg, but nonetheless he still feels fantastic about his contribution**

I've also included a photo of my new car hang-out.

Hanging in the Trunk.

Easter Weekend

Sitting on Dad's lap in the car. 

Well this was a BIG weekend.  Saturday I got to accompany mom in the car to not one, not two but THREE malls which was incredibly exciting.  I don't know what it is about car rides but it gets my engines going (no pun intended).  On this particular occasion I must say; I got a little reckless.  I put my head out the window while mom was flooring the CRV at a steady 45 mph.  Though I hadn't anticipated how my face would feel once fully immersed in the wind, my slightly bulbous eyes nearly sucked right out of my head.  Naturally I retreated for fear of losing my eyeballs.  I do wish I was allowed into the stores more often, instead I'm stuck waiting in the car like a chauffeur which would actually be perfectly fine if mom let me drive more often.  As payback for a) leaving me in the car CONSTANTLY and b) not letting me practice my driving I tend to destroy whatever I can find.  The occasional receipt, a paper towel or and styrofoam cups.  The one isolated perk of being excluded from everything is comfort.  Since my mom started hoarding 'give away' clothes in the exposed trunk I have really found a great haven for my sunbathing.  Its the perfect spot - its comfortable (I lay on bags of clothing), I get GREAT sun (surrounded by windows) and the view is perfect so I can see when my mom is returning.  So that was basically my Saturday - pretty awesome stuff huh.

Sunday as you all know, was easter and though I am not the religious sort I do love a lovely celebration with friends and food.  Sierra's mom Chelsea threw another fabulous party and per usual, I was invited.  At this point in the game I can barely contain myself when we park illegally in the retail-parking-only spots to go to Sierra's apartment.  The second we pull in I start to cry and cry and cry and nothing mom does can shush me.  I'm consumed by an overwhelming desire to get to my friend's apartment where I can steal her toys, hide them in the corner and jump on the human table to search for food.  I engaged in all three of those activities actually, which I'm sure does not surprise my readers.  The moment the door opened I was off, within mere seconds I had Sierra's BRAND new bone in my mouth and had settled down in a truly fantastic sun patch.  Over the next 6 hours I ate almost her entire bone, pulled her toy box off the book shelf, jumped on the table where the human food was kept (note that someone openly, and idiotically, said I couldn't jump on the table - wrong. I can), stole an entire roll of toilet paper out of the bathroom and ripped hunks out of it frantically because I knew at any second my mom would see me.  It was truly an amazing day, just so much fun.  The people played some absurd game where they acted things out, mom played on the girls and boys team at the same time.  I'm not sure exactly what that says about her gender.  By the end of the day I was exhausted but conflicted because my desire to nap was strong, but one doesn't nap at a party.  Thankfully mom took me home, I fell asleep immediately and suffered from a wicked dog hangover the next day - it was worth it though.

Spring Has Arrived

Sun Flop

Today I had the first great Sun Flop of the season, which means Spring has officially arrived!  Mom and I were out walking and I was prancing along when I sudden urge came over me, a great sudden urge to roll in the grass and simply bask in the sunlight.  So I did, for quite a while.  Mom pathetically had to resort to dragging me across the grass because when I'm in the middle of a great sun flop I just refuse to be interrupted.  Now I do admit, that sometimes she tricks me by dropping the leash and yelling goodbye while walking away.  Again, and I apologize for this, my canine instincts take over and I'm forced to sprint after her - you can imagine how furious I am when I realize it was just a ploy to force me to end my sun flop.  Anyway, back to Spring.  The arrival of a new season brings so many wonderful things.  Sunshine, tanning, new smells and tastes (including but not limited to barbecued meat, flowers, lotion and salt), and lastly - seasonal fashion.  As my readers know, I like to occasionally comment on the trends and today is one of those days.  But unlike my past critiques today I am going to comment on dog fashion.  I was perusing Teddyhilton.com (the canine equivalent of PerezHilton.com for those of you who don't follow the gossip world) when my eyes were assaulted by the latest breaking news in canine fashion.

And  I quote "All dogs need to wear long pants as opposed to short. I think long is working for dogs. Blue and green, seriously, I am feeling are very kind of cool."


So there you have it readers, dog pants are in - well at least according to Isaac Mizrahi. 


Now in closing, let me demonstrate the otherworldly wrong of Mr. Mizrahi's statement.  

Need I say more? Pure, unequivocal humiliation.

Walk the walk, talk the talk

Hello my 10 loyal followers, I forgot to share some big news from two weeks ago or so.  Now those of you who know me know that I am a tough guy.  I'm rough, I'm rugged and I've got serious swagger.   I'm just going to cut to the chase -- I was jumped last week in Santa Cruz and got into a fight.  I was minding my own business, investigating the beach, checking out food on beach blankets when out of nowhere I was sucker jumped from behind by a massive boxer.  I don't know if I was wearing the wrong colors (I have a new blue color) or maybe it was a classic jealously situation but this boxer tried to kill me.  He went straight for my throat and tried to throw me to the ground but I wouldn't have it! I did a completely 360 backflip, effectively removing myself from his reach.  With a ferocious growl he launched at me again and again! I evaded his reach while simultaneously (and quite aggressively) ripping into his haunches.  Ohhh the savagery.  At that moment I really felt keyed in with my ancestors - the wolves that is.  Now, obviously I was completely taking care of myself and I would have had him if my dad hadn't intervened.  Fatherly instinct I suppose.  But anyway, just as I went for my kill move dad stepped in with his huge hands and used his enormous feet to separate the fight and effectively sever any ties to manliness that remained after my mother had me sterilized.



**Editorial notes - Instead of the authors usual photo, he's included a video to demonstrate his ferocity.  Additionally, the author has embellished aspects of this true story to enhance his appearance of bravery**

Life Lesson #1- Be Organized!

There are some things life that are essential and organization is one them.  I'm not exactly sure where I got my unbelievable organization skills because my mom is a border-line hoarder, so you can cross genetics off the list of possible sources.  My best bet is years loyally following the Today Show.  Anyhow,  I try to bring organization into my every day life and I also do my very best to mold my mom's behavior in hopes that she too will jump on this train.  She and I are in this constant push-pull.  Mom has a tendency to keep a laundry basket full on clean clothes on the floor and it will take her literally a week to put them where they rightfully belong; the closet and her dresser.  SO I thought, hey why not help the ol'bird because clearly she can't do this on her own.  Thus I began to remove items from the laundry basket as I saw fit, a pair of socks here and there, some skivvies, towels and sometimes a shirt.  This is where the push-pull comes in because she thinks I'm taking them for fun - as if I actually enjoy chewing on socks and underwear, please thats practically the most absurd thing I have ever heard.  Anyhow I have to admit the project has failed, every time I remove an item from the basket to try and show her to put it away she just squawks and bats her bird wings at me as she runs to grab the item.  The craziest part is she then puts the item BACK in the laundry basket! Why, WHY not take that opportunity and put it in the drawer or the closet, again where it belongs??! I just don't get it.  After some reflection I decided to alter my strategy and lead by example.  Maybe if she can actually see how I keep my life organized, she too will figure it out.

My prized possessions - kept in an orderly fashion
on the window ledge.  See how easy it is mom??

My Weekend

I just wanted to provide my readers with a brief update on my weekend, the activities I engaged in and the progress I made with my mom.  I think she finally understanding that I'm a teenager, almost an adult really, and it's time for her to start respecting my space and provide me with some freedom.  One sticky area has been getting me my own bedroom I don't really see the issue, after all we live in a two bedroom apartment so clearly now that I'm nearly a grown man I should take the second bedroom.  It would be one thing if I was a girl but I'm not, I'm a man and its inappropriate to be sleeping in the same room with my mom.  Mom keeps saying that I can't have the extra bedroom because its not in fact an extra bedroom at all but rather Aunt Heather's bedroom.  So finally after a lot of foot stomping and bargaining we reached a compromise.

My very own queen sized bed.  About darn time. 

   Words can't describe how great that felt. Another weekend highlight - mom bought me a delicious bone which I've been throwing and retrieving since friday.  One thing that always frustrates me when I'm given a new delicacy is that the architectural design of our apartment provides no access to the outside to bury it; my options are abysmal. 

"Burying" my bone.

Saturday was equally amazing, mom ran errands which meant I got to go with her and wait in the car swaddled in not one, but two warm blankets.  That night mom and dad and I went over to a friends apartment where I made sure to assert my dominance over their dog by stealing all his toys and hoarding them in the corner.  The only bleak moment of the weekend occurred today when my dad put me in a box and prepared to ship me abroad, I felt so defeated.