Career Advice From Diggy: Episode One

There is so much you can learn from a successful person. So many invaluable tips that the simply cannot be realized in day-to-day life.  I have reached the point in my own career where my advice, my profound insight, and my expertise can benefit the everyday ordinary man.  I've been approached by many prestigious publications, Forbes, The Economist, Vogue, just to name a few. But I passed each and every single one of them up and instead am offering my seven-figure-worthy advice for free.

Now, because I am an expert in so many fields, I will be doing a three-part series in an effort to truly relate to and reach the masses.  This first episode focuses on creativity and the value it plays in your career.  Readers, you are probably thinking "Diggy is a world renowned entrepreneur and billionaire, what could he possibly know about creativity?" Yes, the former is true but what you may not know about me is that I am the brains behind a creative culinary empire.

In the winter of 1988 I stayed at a charming hotel in the French Alps. The hotel was called Hotel Diva and its kitchen was run by a chef named Albert Roux. After an exquisite meal I simply had to meet the responsible culinary genius.  Anticipating a conversation with the head chef, I was shocked to meet a young blond man hailing from Scotland.  Knowing how important it is to encourage the youth, I complimented the young chef on delighting my palate and then asked if he'd like to join me for a post dinner brandy.  Of course this was highly out of the ordinary, but given my status and the vintage wines I had purchased with the meal, the young chef agreed.

What transpired was a conversation that went well into the evening.  This young man had ambition and talent, but lacked the necessary funds to succeed.  In that moment I decided to take a leap. Over the next few years I encouraged the young chef to return to London and facilitated a head chef position and minority ownership in a successful restaurant.  After receiving Michelin status I decided it was time for my culinary prodigy to open a restaurant in his own name.  The restaurant was named Gordon Ramsay Restaurant.


"Seeing potential behind valuable
youth is invaluable" - Diggy

Our relationship has flourished and with Gordon's expertise and my savvy, his singular restaurant has exploded into a world-wide empire. I won't reveal my percentage of ownership, but let's just say its substantial. 



"Failure is not an option, it's a choice." - Diggy

"There's nothing to fear but fear itself" - Diggy





Big Brother

It’s been nearly 5 months since my last post. I’ve just been so busy; I haven’t even found a spare moment to pick up my dry cleaning.  As you all know, I’m an extremely successful entrepreneur, a leading figure in Texas’ libertarian party, a staunch capitalist, and in the process of completing my PhD in neurophysiology.  There aren’t enough hours in the day to keep up with my various obligations but somehow I manage not only stay afloat, but dominate in everything I do.  Given my success, I believe that it is fair to assume that I am extremely intelligent, overwhelmingly capable, and exceedingly logical.  Ordinarily no problem is too big to tackle, no puzzle too difficult to solve, and nothing unsettles me…..until recently.

Over the past few months I’ve begun to notice something peculiar.  My mom always seems to know how I spend my days.  Two to three times a week I’d return from an outing and she’d say “oh, hello there Diggy, how was your drive?” At first I didn’t think much of it, but then as time wore on I thought to myself, how does she know I went on a drive? How does she know which park I went to do read my various scholarly journals? How does she know that I had attended a conference in Washington, DC? Rapidly my curiosity turned to alarm, after all – I’m no fool, surveillance is everywhere these days.  The notion of privacy has dissipated and the evolution of 'smart' technology has all but robbed me of my liberty. 

By this point I had nearly worked myself into a full-blown panic.  Sure I had installed topnotch security on my multiple laptops, sure I had anti-theft and intrusion devices, but was that enough to protect my proprietary information? I anxiously paced from the spacious, luxurious, living room into the regal office.  Just when I thought I couldn’t work myself up any further, I noticed something on my mom’s computer that pushed me over the edge and into full-on hysteria.

I would expect this from my government. But I would never expect this from my mom.  I'm speechless. 

The Worst 24 Hours OF MY LIFE

Last weekend I suffered through the worst 24 hours of my life.  Never before have I struggled as I did that day.  Never before have I been so frozen from pure horror.  Never before have I realized that my mom, the person I love more than anyone and anything in the entire vast universe, could be so cruel.  I wanted to share this experience immediately but you see, it has taken me an entire week to recover and to formulate the words to adequately describe my experience.

Last weekend, my mom and my mom's special friend took me camping in 40 degree weather.

Here is short-list of my favorite things:
1. My mom
2. Chewing socks
3. Rolling on stuff that smells bad
4. Sleeping really really late
5. Being EXTREMELY comfortable. 
6. Being EXTREMELY warm.

So, with this in mind, let me describe my 24 hours in hell.

The day started off poorly.  My mom woke me up at 6:30 in the morning, which was unacceptable (see number 4 on "the list).  But I'll admit, as my mom and her special friend began to load all sorts of things into the car I became very curious.  And then, she got my leash and what can I say, the inner dog in me just lost it- wherever they were going they were taking me with them!!! One moment I was exhausted and completely morose, then just like that I was on top of the world. Well, we drove for about an hour.  I sat in the backseat amongst all sorts of hard, awful, uncomfortable things and after 40 minutes of fretting and fidgeting and trying to find something soft to lay on, I gave up - I just could not get comfortable, which I found very upsetting (see number 5 on "the list").  Surely, I thought, things would pick up.  But oh how naive I was.

Exhausted, trying to get comfy. 

About 30 minutes later we pulled into what I'll describe as a clearing in a vast Arctic tundra.  My mom and her special friend began to unload the car, they opened the door and a sudden, shocking blast of frigid air hit me square in the face.  I recoiled in horror, this was not what I had signed up for, this was not why I agreed to move to Texas.  My mom forced me out of the car and I stood there shaking uncontrollably. It must have been 50 degrees outside, I don't know how people live like that.   I tried to follow my mom into the arctic clearing but I could barely move. She took out an underarmour shirt and fashioned what I can only imagine was a straight jacket for me, tying the arms around my doggy waist to hold it in place.  While some canines enjoy dog outerwear, I truly loathe any form of clothing.  I can be on top of the world, jumping out of my skin with happiness and the moment you put an article of clothing on me my entire body will seize up and I simply am unable to move.  So you see, things were just getting worse.  I tried to walk, despite the restrictions of a straight jacket and as time wore on (hours) I finally was able to adjust my gait to to look somewhat normal and I no longer had to hear my mom's special friend yelling "he's taking geisha sized steps."

My straight jacket.

The hours wore on and on and on and it got colder and colder. Probably 45 degrees. At one point my mom wrapped me in a blanket in front of the fire but with my nose exposed I just couldn't warm up.  It was terrible.  Then finally, around 8 pm, after literally 10 hours of pure torture, my mom turned on the car, cranked the heat to 85, put a blanket in the back seat and locked me.  Pure. Bliss.

That night, with the arctic winds raging and the skies pouring freezing cold rain - I managed to make it through (while swaddled in blankets).

In hell. 

November 16th: The Day I Turned Four

Hello everyone, I'd like to begin this post by thanking my friends, family and fans.  In particular, I couldn't help but notice the overwhelming enthusiasm on Facebook on Friday November 16th from my California friends.  I can only assume it was in celebration of my 4th birthday, and for that I thank you.  I wish I could have been there but as it turns out I've moved to Texas.

Several months ago, unbeknownst to me, my mom and her special friend made a huge decision to move to another state.   The week leading up to the move I watched somewhat anxiously (I'm ashamed to admit) as their belongings began to move from the closet to the floor then haphazardly shoved in boxes.  I watched my mom grow more and more frantic and noted her increasing tendency to become weepy over things like her last trip to her regular Safeway.  My mom's special friend however handled things very differently, he was neither frantic nor weepy and that gave me a sense of reassurance.  After all, surely if a big change was about to happen he would turn off the monitor and stop playing Skyrim. Then, one day four strange men arrived and began hauling all the boxes to a large truck.  I followed them eagerly, careful to note their packing procedures and how they handled the items.  Eventually, after the items were all packed up, my anxiety began to build.  Where were they going? Was I going with them? If not, would they return? So many enormous questions tumbled through my highly intellectual mind but alas, I had no answers.....

As it turns, out I had NOTHING to worry about.  My mom and her special friend apparently were planning an amazing surprise just for me.  A few short days later we got into the car and began a tour of the nations southwestern gas stations. It. was. amazing.  I was simply ecstatic at every single gas station.  I couldn't help myself, 500 yards out I would begin to shake then 400 yards I would start to whine then 300 I would shake and whine then finally as we pulled in I would howl, unable to contain my excitement.  This spectacular trip continued for 4 days, every day filled with fantastic gas stations and every night at a hotel room where my mom appropriately would get me my own bed.

Arizona Exxon 

At the end of the trip we arrived in Texas and we stayed there, more on that later.

After I successfully presented my dissertation to
the board. 

The Key To A Happy Life

I am a nihilist which means by definition I essentially believe in absolutely nothing.  I reject all forms of morality, religion, societal norms and notably, my own mortality.  When I was younger I assumed that I wasn't born with these defining core beliefs but as I've matured and become a man I've realized that in fact, I was.  My mom and my grandma tried their best to ensure that I was well-mannered, respectful and obedient.  They chastised my poor behavior, they tried in vain to stop me from chewing, stealing and destroying things that did not belong to me.  They pleaded with me to stop jumping on people, to stop jumping on furniture.  They implored me to sleep on the floor, or in my "dog bed" like a "normal" dog.  They even committed what I assert was criminal mutilation by removing my manhood so that I would supposedly calm down and better conform to their idea of how I should behave.  Finally, they shelled out money to get me a private tutor as a last effort to instill in me a sense of responsibility and manners.

Now I have to say that I did give in to some degree.  To this day I will sit when asked, if it pleases me or if I'm bribed and if I jump up I'll allow the person to push me down.  And I'll give things back when I steal them, once I've been chased or caught.  But again, as I grew I realized this mold they tried to force me into is not who I am, the shoe simply does not fit.  With that realization I made a vow to live my life the way I want to.  Commonly accepted morals, norms and societal behaviors would not hold me back.  I recommend to you readers that you too adopt these same beliefs and take the vow I did.  No one can chain you but yourself!  Because I don't have time to write a self help book (I have far far too many projects on the back burner as it is) I will provide two major principles I live by accompanied by recent real life examples illustrating my nihilistic approach to life.

1.  When you go to a friends house, or any house for that matter, just do what you want.  After all, you're a guest and your host wants you to have a pleasant experience! I implement this belief regularly.  When I arrive at the Haunted House, Sierras House and any house for that matter I immediately go into every room with an open door to look for toys or items I believe to be toys.  I confiscate them and settle down on a rug somewhere to enjoy my prize.  At Sierra's house I pretty much rule the roost so no one even glances my way.  But just yesterday I went to Winston's house, somewhere I had never been and I employed the same principle.  I walked in and immediately ignored Winston.  I found his toys and settled down to enjoy them while he stood by and barked at me repeatedly in hopes that I would play with him (props to Winston for his persistence).  When I wasn't chewing toys I wandered the rooms, new homes are always so exciting.  I even stole some socks, shredded an empty toilet paper roll and jumped on the homeowner's lap while she attempted to do work.  I had a great time, which is the most important thing.

2. Never give up on what you want. When I want something I beg incessantly until its mine.  Recently my moms special friend and his roommates threw me a kiddie pool party in the front yard.  I had never had the opportunity to explore the front yard and let me just say, it was AMAZING.  At this party I also employed principle 1 by eating a cookie off of someone's lap, eating meat out of a trash bag, eating shrimp tails, chewing on a chair and licking the grill.  If you think I wasn't disciplined or yelled at, you're wrong.  But I didn't let it stop me from achieving what I wanted.

If I Were Taken

Recently, I was watching the masterfully crafted move 'Taken' and I thought to myself, "if I was in Europe with a gal pal and was abducted by Albanian criminals and subsequently forced into the sex trade my mom would find me, just as Liam Neeson did."  The reasons are simple: my mom is obsessed with me (as we all know) and two, she's nuts.  I'm inclined to share a recent example which will beautifully demonstrate both of the characteristics my mom possesses that would enable her to find me in such dire circumstances.

Recently, just last week in fact, my mom and my 'moms friend' went on a romantic vacation to Mexico.  And almost immediately upon arrival my mom raved about how wonderful the trip was - "oh the weather is wonderful, the beaches are pristine.  Isn't it so great sitting on these luxurious lounge chairs while being served drinks and staring out into the ocean?.....Though..it'd be even better if Diggy were here lying on a lounge chair next to us wearing tiny sunglasses and a bathing suit that matches yours, don't you think?" My 'moms friend', being a wonderful guy wholeheartedly agreed with my mom - yes, the romantic vacation would be even better if the dog was there lying on a lounge chair wearing ray bans and a dog sized matching pair of swim trunks.

As the week wore on my mom's lunacy escalated.  Soon, everywhere she looked she was reminded of me. While snorkeling, "oh! Vance! Look at that eel, it looks just like Diggy!" (Eels have bulbous eyes, I have slightly bulbous eyes thus twins) and "VANCE! That striped fish, it looked so much like Diggy" (I have brindle fur, which is striped, fish is striped thus an uncanny resemblance).  And "I saw this iguana, and it walked EXACTLY like Diggy." (Iguanas have legs, I have legs - there you have it). You can imagine that my 'moms friend' wanted to wring her neck, but miraculously that wasn't the case.  You can also imagine how if the scenario I outlined in the first sentence of the blog came to fruition, my mom would throat chop as many people as necessary to get me back, just as Liam Neeson did.

My mom realizing I've been taken.

My mom showing her captive my photo

I've Made It.

Hello readers, as usual you're probably all wondering where I've been - I can imagine you've been checking my blog daily, pining for, dreaming of your next dose of diggy.  Which is exactly why I've been silent.  See I've come to realize that the best way to garner fans is to keep them wanting more, you can't give it all away at the drop of a hat.  One must be mysterious and not too forthcoming about ones own private life.  So this is precisely what I've done over the last year or so and the results here are consistent with countless empirical studies that I've poured over at the office.  People are obsessed with me.  I don't have the time to record the hundreds of examples that led to this conclusion but true to form I will touch upon a few.

In the beginning of December my mother dearest began to inquire as to who would be "willing" to "watch" me over break. (I've used quotations for obvious reasons, namely its an honor to be around me and no one watches me.)  Anyhow, people were practically knocking down her door with requests to "watch" me.  I mean literally she was fielding inquiries from all ends. "What days do you need?" "I'd love to have him the 10th through the 20th!"  Then, because the competition was so fierce, some individuals even began to proffer the activities we would engage in when I stayed with them.  Essentially, it became a bidding war.  The lucky winner was ultimately my Aunt Heather and she will be the first to tell you I was just an absolutely delightful house guest.  My wit and humor had them doubled over as they let out great hearty guffaws of laughter.

My Uncle Marty 

Once my mother returned we reassumed our regular day-to-day lives.  Then one day my mother received a text from an individual we'll refer to as Uncle Marty.  Uncle Marty absolutely adores me and I'll be frank - I love him too, mostly because he buries old chili in the backyard for me but also because whenever I see him we engage in lively games and intellectually stimulating conversation - oh, and he also calls me Sir. Anyway, my mother receives a text from Uncle Marty inquiring the following: "When does Sir Diggy have visiting hours?" My mom read it to me and I sighed, reached for my blackberry and showed her that I was free later that evening for just an hour or so.  Uncle Marty was thrilled when he saw me, in fact the entire house was. I was fawned over for hours, I was asked countless questions about my break and how I had been.  Finally, as I departed they all wished me a great last semester at school and a fine day at work.*

So it was a joyful heart that I thank my fans for a wonderful 2011.  I think we can all agree that my rising to stardom was the highlight of the year.

My Number 1 Fan

Comforting a sick fan

The highlight of her year.

*The authors mother would like to reiterate that the author's tales are always fundamentally rooted in truth.